A Letter from Zanne - 5
Sunday, April 21 2002

Firstly my sincere apologies for not writing my articles for you but I have been otherwise engaged. My husband died on the 14th of February and I nursed him for a long, long time.

My feelings now? Mostly, I'm feeling confused, with many other emotions added. It is surely one of the most distressing things that can happen to anyone, but I do not want to write about me but of how it affected me with the fibro.

I was very good for two weeks and then I 'crashed'. I was in a swimming pool and suddenly I realised that after 55 years I was alone. I was devastated to say the least! My body hurt, my mind was blank and I cried so much that maybe the pool might have over flowed! Then the depression set in and the Fatigue Syndrome, so from then on, I was just so tired all the time. Not just tired but the most dreadful exhaustion

Firstly the depression just grew and grew......and my days were long and miserable. I have no idea why. I was not sad because of the loss. I know that sounds hard but he was so ill he needed to be released and I had only relief for him. My body ached unmercifully and I wept copiously until I was exhausted and still I am unable to explain why these dreadful emotions occur. Until one has been through all this trauma, it would be impossible to explain to anyone else

You must forgive me for talking about me but there is only me now and I do not have a yardstick to measure my progress by. I only have me as a yardstick regarding the fibro but the situation certainly makes all the fibro symptoms come to the fore. There is nothing the Doctors can do, so you have to do the treatment you know and have learnt about how to treat yourself.

It has been two months now and only sometimes do I have a crying session so I have improved. The depression has lifted and I am careful to be able to cope with only the things I can cope with. The pain is still severe in my hips, hands and shoulders and I do try to remember I am old! To be able to sit down and write this article shows I am coming back into the proper world.

There has been such wonderful support from family and friends, and that goes a long way to help me. Of course the main source of strength has come through my love of God. Without that, I would have given up many times. He carried me through whilst I had Dad at home and in the hospital.

So I say farewell to you all. Till the next time.

Love Zanne